just a little mental checkup
I’m coming out of another little down phase, and I’m kind of just writing about it here to keep track of it. Otherwise, I know I won’t note it at all and I really want to understand what these things are all about. Anyway, feel free to ignore this post completely.
So this one came about 7 or 8 months after the last. I was sporadic with the blogging, and I did in the end skip a couple of weeks of podcasting, but all in all it wasn’t too bad. It kind of peaked the last few weeks when I was really feeling kind of angry and even maybe a bit resentful. And that bit is new.
Last week I had a weird thing happen. I was talking to a co-worker and I just felt this kind of urge to be mean to her. For no reason whatsoever. We were just talking, and I suddenly felt this meanness inside myself and I wanted to be ugly mean to her and I just wanted to see the hurt and shock on her face. I’ve never felt anything like that before in my life!
I’ve been angry, certainly, and I’ve spoken to others in anger and frustration before. But I always feel so guilty afterward, and I’ve never wanted to purposely hurt someone, like just for the fun of it. It was an awful feeling, and I wondered if this is what mean people feel like all the time. Do they get pleasure and satisfaction out of shocking and hurting other people? Of course I didn’t act on it. I don’t think I could have forgiven myself if I had.
And then this past weekend I felt better. I even felt happy and hopeful at times this week. And that’s what keeps going through my mind, is hope. Just randomly this week, there would be times when I suddenly felt hope inside myself. I felt that good things could happen, and even that good things were going to happen. And I realized that when I’m in these moody periods, that’s what’s mostly missing is the hope of things to come.
I know what triggered this little episode (apart from the anger/mean thing, that kind of threw me for a loop). I put a lot of emotion and energy into starting this podcast, and I wonder did I just deplete my emotional reserves? These down swings often come at the end of a big project.
Anyway, I’m feeling better. And hopeful. And not at all mean! I’m feeling like myself again.
Which of course means I feel stupid and weak. Everyone gets emotional or stressed or just overwhelmed at times. What’s wrong with me that I don’t handle it better? In any case, I want to find a way to work around or through my down times. If that’s possible.