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Posts tagged ‘Depression’

Alaina and Peyton: The Suicide Awareness Project

moving the podcast – interview from June 10, 2014

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Episode 28. Alaina and Peyton are working on a school project about suicide awareness, a subject which, in Alaina’s words, “a lot of people don’t like to talk about because it’s a harsh topic. So we figured, why not us?” Listen in as they talk about their project, what it means to them and why they care so much.

A&P Icon

“How much can a school do to prevent cancer? But there’s still support and awareness about it. You can’t prevent it. You can’t prevent cancer. You can’t prevent somebody from committing suicide. But you can raise awareness.”

0:00 ~ we never hear about it
11:05 ~ What should the school do?
13:25 ~ “those who suffer”
16:15 ~ the deep effects of suicide
22:10 ~ Can it be prevented?
27:00 ~ spreading awareness

Clicky Clicky!
Letter Alaina and Peyton posted on the blog
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
Out of the Darkness walks 
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
If you see suicidal thoughts posted on social media.
Suicide Hotlines by State

just a little mental checkup

I’m coming out of another little down phase, and I’m kind of just writing about it here to keep track of it. Otherwise, I know I won’t note it at all and I really want to understand what these things are all about. Anyway, feel free to ignore this post completely.

So this one came about 7 or 8 months after the last. I was sporadic with the blogging, and I did in the end skip a couple of weeks of podcasting, but all in all it wasn’t too bad. It kind of peaked the last few weeks when I was really feeling kind of angry and even maybe a bit resentful. And that bit is new.

Last week I had a weird thing happen. I was talking to a co-worker and I just felt this kind of urge to be mean to her. For no reason whatsoever. We were just talking, and I suddenly felt this meanness inside myself and I wanted to be ugly mean to her and I just wanted to see the hurt and shock on her face. I’ve never felt anything like that before in my life! 

I’ve been angry, certainly, and I’ve spoken to others in anger and frustration before. But I always feel so guilty afterward, and I’ve never wanted to purposely  hurt someone, like just for the fun of it. It was an awful feeling, and I wondered if this is what mean people feel like all the time. Do they get pleasure and satisfaction out of shocking and hurting other people? Of course I didn’t act on it. I don’t think I could have forgiven myself if I had.

And then this past weekend I felt better. I even felt happy and hopeful at times this week. And that’s what keeps going through my mind, is hope. Just randomly this week, there would be times when I suddenly felt hope inside myself. I felt that good things could happen, and even that good things were  going to happen. And I realized that when I’m in these moody periods, that’s what’s mostly missing is the hope of things to come.

I know what triggered this little episode (apart from the anger/mean thing, that kind of threw me for a loop). I put a lot of emotion and energy into starting this podcast, and I wonder did I just deplete my emotional reserves? These down swings often come at the end of a big project.

Anyway, I’m feeling better. And hopeful. And not at all mean! I’m feeling like myself again.

Which of course means I feel stupid and weak. Everyone gets emotional or stressed or just overwhelmed at times. What’s wrong with me that I don’t handle it better? In any case, I want to find a way to work around or through my down times. If that’s possible.

Pumpkins and Pick-Me-Ups

As I look at what I’ve put out into the world here recently, I see words I don’t like staring back at me.  Struggle. Disappointment. Discouraged. Stressed. “Where does this restlessness and anxiety come from all of a sudden?”  The truth is it’s not sudden.  It’s stealthy.  It’s silent.  That unhappiness is creeping up on me again, slowly, slowly insinuating itself into my everyday.  But I am getting better at this.  I am getting better at seeing those telltale signs.

The frustrations and pressures of my jobs seem to be compounded daily.  But is that really true, or is it just that my ability to handle the stress is diminishing?  In any case, I feel myself stepping away from the emotional ties that bind me to those places.  While that serves it’s purpose, which is to eliminate my stress and anxiety, it also deadens the thing that makes me good at what I do.  To not care about the place and its problems is to not care about its people.  I can’t kill one and keep the other.  So they both die.

The thing is, it’s a creeping death.  That pulling away spills over into the entirety of my life, into my personal relationships, into this world.  Usually I just disappear.  Where that’s not possible, I put the shield up.  Mostly you can’t tell the difference, because I can laugh, I can smile.  I can interact like a normal person.  But I don’t feel, not in the same way.  My emotions stay inside the shield where they’re safe.  And yours stay outside, where they can’t touch me.

Now I have to choose: shut down, protect and conserve my emotions; or refuse to shut down and replenish them.

I said choose, but it’s not so clean and simple, because this is like a full out war.  And I am not in the rear, methodically plotting and planning the best means of attack.  I am in the front.  I am fighting in the trenches, where it’s dirty, and fast, where the enemy is staring you in the face.  It would be so easy to surrender; I’ve surrendered before without even realizing that my lines had been over-run.  But now that I know, now that I understand, the only real choice is to fight.

I can spend time with people who love me.  I can take walks with Louis.  I can chat up my customers and remember why it is that I serve.  I can obsorb the joy from those situations.

Yesterday I spent the afternoon at my sister’s house with my great friend, Toni, and her son Duncan.  I had fun, I laughed, I replenished some of my emotional reserves.  On my thankfulness bracelet, I have a bead for my family and friends, and a bead for all of the places that welcome me in.  That’s what I have to keep in mind.  Those are the things that I’m fighting for, and the things that are fighting for me.

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depression is a dirty word

Basically, I’m in a good mood right now, so I can barely bring myself to write this.  I’d rather be writing the next post, a happy post, which is filling my head tonight.  It’s hard for me to even explain or convey the feelings of the last three weeks, because I don’t feel that way anymore.  Of course, that’s the nature of it, that’s part of it. But if I don’t do this tonight, I never will; I will let it pass and I won’t think of it again…until the next time.

So here it is… continue reading…