I don’t feel like writing this post
Is it okay not to “feel it”? Because I just don’t feel it. I commented recently that I have all kinds of things on my mind right now, but I’m blank at the same time. Does that happen to you? Do you ever have a whirlwind of thought and emotion tearing through your brain…that just won’t come out in any kind of meaningful way? Nick just wrote about when he was younger and more inclined to put down random thoughts without caring that they would impact no one, and that’s what I believe I need to do.
And I’m contemplating honesty. I’ve received several comments regarding my honesty on this blog, and then last Friday my Aunt Carine said the writing was very honest. It shook me a bit because it’s something that I really desire, but I don’t see it. I have shared, on this blog and others, that honesty is what I want for myself, that for me there is no point in blogging if I am not willing to stretch myself beyond these self-imposed emotional boundaries. And I have forced myself to say things, on this blog and while commenting on others, that made me feel vulnerable, that have made me feel, in my mind if no on else’s, open to ridicule.
On the other side of that, because most people don’t comment, I have very little indication of who has been here, which adds to a false sense of anonymity. I have made no secret of this blog, but I’m always surprised to find that someone I know “in real life” has read it. And little by little it has become evident to me that it’s more people than I thought. Still…it’s burning in me, now especially, that I want to be very honest about what’s going on in my life, what I’m thinking and feeling. At the same time, I have a desire to protect myself, what is in my heart, to not share.
To not come across as a nut or a kook or unstable or just someone who has weird thoughts.
It has been far easier to be open and honest in blogland with people I thought were strangers. So why is it that people who already know you, that already have an opinion formed of you… Why is it harder for me to shake those thoughts up, to add a new dimension to that opinion? It’s a risk. It’s a vulnerable feeling to open up about myself, to expose personal things that could be viewed as shortcomings or defects. I feel that if they know these things about me – I’m wondering if they will look at me and see the shortcoming. Will they look at me and be viewing the thing that I revealed about myself? Or will they see a more well-rounded and complete picture of who I am? In short, will they judge me? How will they judge me?
Which is a ridiculous thing to be worried about, because – let’s be honest – I have no real clue what people think of me now!
In the end, does it even matter at all? In the end, isn’t the most important thing to be Yourself? Isn’t that what I’m working toward – an ability and a confidence within myself to be true to who I am, to be comfortable with who I am, to embrace who I am?
And that means all of it…the good, the bad, and the unstable.