A Year in Narnia – No. 30
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Posts tagged ‘personal’
Jul 24
Movie Quote Monday – Groundhog Day
This is one of my favorite movies, and I think a lot of other people feel the same way. If you haven’t seen it (first off, shame on you), it’s about a guy who is living the same day over and over and over. He goes through various stages of acceptance and rejection of his circumstances, and it’s funny and sweet and kinda sad and totally thought provoking.
Probably the scene that always sticks out the most to me is when Phil’s in the bowling alley talking to his new pals Gus and Ralph. This marks a kind of awakening moment for him and is the start of his manipulations of all this extra time he’s been given. At the bar, he asks the guys what they’d do if they were stuck in the same place, living the same day over and over again, and nothing you do matters. Ralph says, “That about sums it up for me,” and I’ll admit that sometimes I have that feeling myself.
But as I was watching the movie last week, this little bit of dialogue really struck me hard:
Phil: Let me ask you guys a question.
—Gus: Shoot.
Phil: What if there were no tomorrow?
—Gus: No tomorrow? That would mean there’d be no consequences, there would be no hangovers… We could do whatever we wanted!
Phil: That’s true. We could do whatever we want.
I was asking myself what I would do with all of Phil’s time, whether I’d let it trickle away or whether I’d use it to expand myself. And it occurred to me how often I feel like there isn’t enough time left in my life to do whatever I want with it.
But that’s an excuse, I think. I could easily live 60 more years, and that is enough time. Even 50 years or 40 years or 30… That is enough time to make it worth my while to learn a new language or an instrument. Or go to that movie I wanted to see in the theater or take a class or start a whole new career. Or just to take a moment to chat or give someone a hand.
Even one more year is enough time to accomplish something. It’s enough time to do what I want.
So what would you do with all of Phil’s days?
What do you want to do with the rest of your own?
♦
Jul 18
just a little mental checkup
I’m coming out of another little down phase, and I’m kind of just writing about it here to keep track of it. Otherwise, I know I won’t note it at all and I really want to understand what these things are all about. Anyway, feel free to ignore this post completely.
So this one came about 7 or 8 months after the last. I was sporadic with the blogging, and I did in the end skip a couple of weeks of podcasting, but all in all it wasn’t too bad. It kind of peaked the last few weeks when I was really feeling kind of angry and even maybe a bit resentful. And that bit is new.
Last week I had a weird thing happen. I was talking to a co-worker and I just felt this kind of urge to be mean to her. For no reason whatsoever. We were just talking, and I suddenly felt this meanness inside myself and I wanted to be ugly mean to her and I just wanted to see the hurt and shock on her face. I’ve never felt anything like that before in my life!
I’ve been angry, certainly, and I’ve spoken to others in anger and frustration before. But I always feel so guilty afterward, and I’ve never wanted to purposely hurt someone, like just for the fun of it. It was an awful feeling, and I wondered if this is what mean people feel like all the time. Do they get pleasure and satisfaction out of shocking and hurting other people? Of course I didn’t act on it. I don’t think I could have forgiven myself if I had.
And then this past weekend I felt better. I even felt happy and hopeful at times this week. And that’s what keeps going through my mind, is hope. Just randomly this week, there would be times when I suddenly felt hope inside myself. I felt that good things could happen, and even that good things were going to happen. And I realized that when I’m in these moody periods, that’s what’s mostly missing is the hope of things to come.
I know what triggered this little episode (apart from the anger/mean thing, that kind of threw me for a loop). I put a lot of emotion and energy into starting this podcast, and I wonder did I just deplete my emotional reserves? These down swings often come at the end of a big project.
Anyway, I’m feeling better. And hopeful. And not at all mean! I’m feeling like myself again.
Which of course means I feel stupid and weak. Everyone gets emotional or stressed or just overwhelmed at times. What’s wrong with me that I don’t handle it better? In any case, I want to find a way to work around or through my down times. If that’s possible.
♦
the Infinite Monkey speaks: unpolished
Random brilliance from across the blogosphere…
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I wish I could say that your passing was as picture perfect as in Hollywood movies, where the dying is surrounded by the family and friends and then the last words of wisdom are passed on. But it wasn’t. It was dark and unpolished.
– Elena
from:
∞
steadily skipping stones 