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Posts tagged ‘autobiography’

Jul 18

23 Comments

just a little mental checkup

I’m coming out of another little down phase, and I’m kind of just writing about it here to keep track of it. Otherwise, I know I won’t note it at all and I really want to understand what these things are all about. Anyway, feel free to ignore this post completely.

So this one came about 7 or 8 months after the last. I was sporadic with the blogging, and I did in the end skip a couple of weeks of podcasting, but all in all it wasn’t too bad. It kind of peaked the last few weeks when I was really feeling kind of angry and even maybe a bit resentful. And that bit is new.

Last week I had a weird thing happen. I was talking to a co-worker and I just felt this kind of urge to be mean to her. For no reason whatsoever. We were just talking, and I suddenly felt this meanness inside myself and I wanted to be ugly mean to her and I just wanted to see the hurt and shock on her face. I’ve never felt anything like that before in my life! 

I’ve been angry, certainly, and I’ve spoken to others in anger and frustration before. But I always feel so guilty afterward, and I’ve never wanted to purposely  hurt someone, like just for the fun of it. It was an awful feeling, and I wondered if this is what mean people feel like all the time. Do they get pleasure and satisfaction out of shocking and hurting other people? Of course I didn’t act on it. I don’t think I could have forgiven myself if I had.

And then this past weekend I felt better. I even felt happy and hopeful at times this week. And that’s what keeps going through my mind, is hope. Just randomly this week, there would be times when I suddenly felt hope inside myself. I felt that good things could happen, and even that good things were  going to happen. And I realized that when I’m in these moody periods, that’s what’s mostly missing is the hope of things to come.

I know what triggered this little episode (apart from the anger/mean thing, that kind of threw me for a loop). I put a lot of emotion and energy into starting this podcast, and I wonder did I just deplete my emotional reserves? These down swings often come at the end of a big project.

Anyway, I’m feeling better. And hopeful. And not at all mean! I’m feeling like myself again.

Which of course means I feel stupid and weak. Everyone gets emotional or stressed or just overwhelmed at times. What’s wrong with me that I don’t handle it better? In any case, I want to find a way to work around or through my down times. If that’s possible.

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Jul 5

9 Comments

My first month of podcasting!

Well,  a little more than a month. It’s been fun, and mostly a really good excuse for me to ask people lots of questions!

Here’s who I’ve talked to so far:

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Leanne Shirtliffe ~ about her new book, Don’t Lick the Minivan

Ricky Anderson ~ about fatherhood, being the IT guy, his work-in-progress and how we both used to work at a toy store

JR. Forasteros ~ about Star Trek Into Darkness!

Vicki Manuel ~ about our food issues, like emotional eating, distructive habits and negative thinking

Knox McCoy ~ about free-lance writing, self-publishing, podcasting and video production

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I hope you’ll take a listen to one or two episodes! I’ve got some interesting stuff coming up – at least I think so, haha.

And if you ever want to talk, just shoot me an email and let me know what’s on your mind!

♦

Jun 21

5 Comments

Food Issues – a chat with my health coach

My latest podcast is a chat with my friend and health coach, Vicki Manuel. We talked about our food issues, like emotional eating, the reasons we don’t want to diet and why it’s all about changing the way we think. Continue reading…

Jun 10

23 Comments

Name Dropping

I am terrible with names.

It’s kind of like Charlie Brown in my head when I’m introduced to people. “Michelle, this is whah whah whah.”

It’s the strangest thing; the name just slides right through my mind like it was never spoken. Even long-standard names like Denise or Jason are hard to remember at first, and I’ll ask for a person’s name sometimes four or five times before it sticks. It’s embarrassing, but I’ve finally just started telling people, “hey, it’s not you, it’s me – I’m gonna ask for your name a lot .”

I’m better with short, unique names; I only have to hear them a couple of times. If a name is very unusual, though, I’m not going to get it no matter how many times I’m told. When I think of that person or speak to them, I’ll see a jumble of letters in my mind’s eye. It usually has the first letter right, but the rest is simply a mess. I have to ask for the spelling, and visualize it being spelled in my head. After that, I’ve got it – I guess because I’m such a visual person. I think that’s why I’m so good with internet names, is because I get to see them.

When I can’t remember someone’s name, it makes me feel bad. Because no matter what people might say about their name not representing their identity, knowing or not knowing someone’s name is a kind of social signal. Knowing someone’s name means you recognize them as a person apart from the crowds of this world.

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Even after I’ve got a name memorized, when I am tired or stressed or overworked, names are the first thing to go. Well really, the only thing to go. It’s odd. My mind goes completely blank. Emptiness. Nothing there.

I lose other proper names as well, like machines or tools. I usually stutter or stare at someone stupidly for a bit before saying something like, “You know! That thing you use to turn screws in and out.”

It’s the same with people, “Go tell…go tell…ahh…” Gaping silence. “Who’s  that other girl who does the same job as me?” It doesn’t matter that we’ve worked together for three years – her name is temporarily missing from my vocabulary.

It’s just how I’m wired. The same way that I’m going to tell you left when I mean right, and then I’m not going to understand why you turned in the wrong direction. The same way, if I see the number 351, the voice inside my head says 315.

It’s just me.

Some of these things are more easily worked around. At work, my brain automatically compensates for the number mix-ups. If my head reads 315 on the original ticket, when I’m looking for the match and I see 351, then I know that’s the right one. Even though my inner voice is saying, “315…315…”

If I’m giving someone directions, I just have to go through it slowly, double checking myself constantly. I can’t let myself get flustered or distracted. If I go too fast or say the directions without really thinking about it, there will be at least one wrong turn in there where I say left when I’m thinking right or vice versa.

The name thing is the only one that I haven’t fully compensated for. Except for just slowing down again, and putting in the extra effort.

And really, that’s not bad advice for any part of my life.

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So what about you?

Are you a name person?

What are your quirks?

♦

Items of Interest:

How important to you is your Name?

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