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Posts tagged ‘personal’

I love Trees. But not in a weird way.

Here is the latest assignment from the non-fiction writing class I’m taking.

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I love trees. I don’t know why, but they thrill me to the core.

It’s not because of how they operate or what they do, the biology of trees. But now that I think about it, it really is kind of interesting and exciting that we breathe in what they breathe out and vice versa. That’s kind of neat.  And when I think about the working of a tree, that it’s soaking up nutrients from the ground, and they course through its veins like blood…that’s amazing. But that’s not what I think about when I look at trees.

Really, I don’t think about anything when I look at trees. I just enjoy them. I just feel happy.

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It snowed this morning, and I looked around at the scenery and all the trees draped in white. The bare branches covered in snow makes my heart happy. I can’t articulate clearly why it makes me happy, why I love it so, why it gives me such joy. But how do you explain why something is beautiful? You can tear it apart and discuss the details of structure and color, the use of texture and the skill of the artist, but that doesn’t really explain why you think it’s beautiful. The whys of beauty are bigger than that. When you see something beautiful, you don’t pick it apart in your mind. You don’t define the beauty. You feel it. It’s a recognition.

I think trees are harder to recognize in the spring and summer. They are more aloof then. Incognito. They cover themselves in rich clothing, and it’s exciting to behold; I am easily distracted. I get caught up in the thrill of their jewels and garments, and suddenly I myself am new and alive and rich beyond measure. I guess I’m busy being me and they are busy being trees.

In the winter, everything slows down again. Trees shed all their leaves and once again you can see who they really are. I never wondered if they were ashamed in their nakedness, because I know they’re not. They take it in stride. Standing up proud in all their natural beauty, they take the weather as it comes, soaking the sun into their bare skin and occasionally betraying a shiver in the cold wind.

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In the winter, I often imagine the trees as people. I see young, smiling girls with mops of wild hair. There are tall matrons with their arms flung wide, fingers splayed open to catch every drop of sun. Little boys group together in packs, so closely intertwined that you can’t tell one from the other. Shy willows hide beneath their hair, braids pulled down in every direction and grown so long they brush the ground. Craggily old witches stoop bent and gnarled, their big knuckled fingers reaching out in every direction, better to catch you with, my dear. A couple of old men stand off a bit from the crowd, their dark, cracked, wizened old faces turned to each other as they mutter and mull over the day’s gossip.

He shoots, he scores!

He shoots, he scores!

Living in Virginia, I’m surrounded by trees. I can’t think of a single place I’ve been in Virginia that wasn’t somehow clothed in them. Of course we do have our bald hills and earth-turned farms, our sandy beaches and grassy pastures. And some of the larger cities are a scantily clad, but the trees are always right there on the edge looking in.

I once lived in the mountains, and I’ve seen bare green hillsides aplenty. I can still imagine the trees line up along the curve of every hill, soft as a caress, waiting patiently for an opportunity to repopulate the open spaces. They would throw their seeds out. They would make that slow steady march up the hillside. But it’s not time yet. They wait.

If you’ve ever been to the mountains, if you’ve ever looked out over a populated valley, then you can imagine the sight of thin lines of trees, one or two souls deep, ringing the plowed and planted and fallow fields. These custodian trees keep track of property lines and they know whose farms belong to whom. I’ve stood on hills and mountains, looking down and admiring the clean and even lines they make, dark green stitching that holds the patchwork quilt of farmland together.

Not farmland in the valley, just the Shenandoah Mountains in the fall.

Not farmland in the valley, just the Shenandoah Mountains in the fall.

I didn’t always love trees. It may have started in my early twenties, when I lived in a house with a little dogwood in the front yard. It had pink blossoms that seemed to float above the leaves and branches. I loved how the branches were tiered and layered one above the other; the overlapping groups of branches and leaves and blossoms were so lovely. That’s the first time I remember being enamored of a tree. I really fell in love with that tree.

I live in the country now, and everywhere I go I am ushered in and out by trees. They canopy over the long, languid hill that leads to my driveway and you can’t imagine the loveliness of that view in the aftermath of a winter snowstorm. In the summer it’s like driving home in green water. The sun trickles down through the leaves, and they shimmer and sparkle as they muster up a flutter for the breeze. I drive into that tree tunnel and the air is noticeably cooler. It’s so quiet, and the muted browns and greens and yellows surround me with calm.

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The road outside of my driveway – not that long hill, but almost as green.

Maybe this love affair with trees really took off when I moved in among them. At that time, my house was literally tucked into a clearing in the woods. I could look out of any window and see nothing but trees. I remember how amazingly three-dimensional the forest appeared to me from one window in particular. In the summer there were millions of glorious green leaves, and layer upon layer of fully laden limbs poking out over the grass where the woods and lawn met. In the winter I could see the moon peaking through so many bare limbs and branches. Everything was stacked up in layers, and you could distinguish them all.

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The trees have been thinned out since I moved in. My amazing three-dimensional view is no more, but I can get it back when I close my eyes. Still, I can see trees from anywhere in the house, and that’s a comfort. In the backyard they have dropped their acorns and seed pods, trying to plant a new crop in my lawn. I cut them down at their base and two weeks later they’ve sprouted up again.

They speak to me of tenacity and a will to live.

I’ve wondered why I feel such an affinity for trees, but I’ve never before taken the time to mull it over or analyze the reasons why. I just knew that if I went out into my own front yard, walked up under the trees and looked up, it would make me happy. No matter the season, whether I’m looking up into a canopy of green, or I’m looking up through the bare branches in all their different shapes and textures and configurations, I feel joy.

I feel alive. I feel connected, like we’re in this together.

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Have you ever met someone, or even just glanced across a room and met a stranger’s eye, and in that tiny moment you recognize a kindred spirit and you just know that you are friends? Is it possible to be kindred spirits with the trees? It’s as though we are cut from the same cloth, as though we know each other. Or rather, we recognize each other. I think if the trees could talk, we would have such lovely long conversations. We would sit there, breathing each other’s air, and we would listen close and understand each other perfectly.

But maybe that’s just my imagination run wild, the effects of their calming influence over me. Or maybe it’s just an emotional manifestation of their beauty.

Maybe it doesn’t matter why I love trees. Maybe not needing to understand is why I don’t think about anything when I look at them. I just appreciate…and recognize. I just feel.

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My First Memory of Death

I’m taking a non-fiction class and our first assignment was to write about a fuzzy memory. I’m thinking I didn’t quite get it right, but I’m going to share it here anyway.

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Thirty years later, I don’t interrupt as my mother talks about her father. Every time she calls him Daddy, I think for a moment that she means mine. I’m a little ashamed that I don’t know the answers to some of my questions, but I don’t let that stop me from asking.

All my memories come to me in patches. They are fragments of emotion, pictures in a photo album with untold stories lost in the expanse of white between each shot.

And so I ask my mother to tell me what I don’t remember: I want to know about Grandpop’s funeral. I want her to flesh out my first memory of death.

~.~

I remember it was sunny.

“It was a sunny day, it was a very sunny day,” she says. “Actually it was kind of warm; it was in the fall. He didn’t want to have a funeral, he just wanted to have a….He didn’t want to have anything really. We just had a graveside service.”

I remember the light. The sun folded over the edges of the canopy above us, making a sharp distinction between light and shade. That line of light crossed over the green astroturf carpet, crossed over the people, and cut a slant across the backs of the folding metal chairs in front of me. The bare sunlight glanced off their tops and pierced my eyes.

I remember the flag spread over the coffin. I vaguely remember the sound of a bugler playing taps. I don’t remember the guns firing off their salute and I don’t remember ever before asking, “What was he in the military?”

Momma tells me now, “He was in the Navy, in the CV’s, which is the engineering group. And in the Army he was just a private. He was in the Army and the Navy, during world war 2.”

I remember watching dry-eyed as the flag was lifted. Two men in uniform worked silently, solemnly. They folded the flag in half lengthwise, and then again, the same way my Nannie and I folded sheets when we brought them down off the clothesline. Then one man folded a corner down to form a little triangle. Over and over he turned that triangle, making crisp and precise folds, slowly eating up what was left of the flag. I never cried until his partner bent silently and handed the folded flag to my uncle.

I remember crying for Momma and Uncle Bodie. I remember thinking that my tears weren’t for Grandpop or for me. I remember mourning his life and what little I knew of his choices. I felt sad that he was an alcoholic. I felt sad that when I thought of him, the picture in my head was of passing by his room and glancing in to see a drunk man sitting on the side of his bed, looking back out at me.

I remember thinking, “This was their father.” No matter what his choices, no matter what his faults or frailties, he loved them. And they loved him. The tears they cried were not just for the man he’d become, but for a man I never knew. I ached inside as I considered that pain. I cried because their daddy was dead.

~.~

Everyone went to my Aunt and Uncle’s house after the funeral.

“Cause we were living in the apartments and we didn’t really have anywhere people could go,” Momma reminds me.

“It was nice,” she says, “people sitting around talking about – you know how they do – about different things they remember about him.”

At thirteen, I didn’t understand at all how the people around me were behaving. They were talking – and laughing! I moved through the familiar rooms of that house, soaking in the stories and the jokes, the apparent cheer and indifference. And I twisted it all into anger and resentment inside my heart.

How could they laugh? How could they act as though nothing bad had happened? A man was dead! Gone. My Grandpop would never have another opportunity to see his loved ones, to enjoy this world, to do something more, to make something better of his life. His chances were all over.

~.~

“Daddy’s feelings were just, ‘take me out, dig a hole in the field and dump me in it’.” Momma says, and I think I’ve heard that before.

“He did not want to have a funeral. He did not want to have a family night; he thought that was barbaric.”

“Really?” I ask, “Why?”

“Because everybody goes through and does their condolence thing and then they stand around laughing and joking and talking. While the person’s right there in the coffin! He said if anybody wanted to come see him, come see him while he’s living.”

“Well, all that stuff is really for the living people, anyway.” I say.

“Yeah. And he said that any money he had, he wanted us to take it and have a party.”

~.~

Momma and I meander through his childhood and I learn that he started drinking when he was thirteen, the age I was when he died. I meet his mother and some siblings. And I feel sad for him all over again.

Then Momma talks about a man who had months and years of sobriety. She talks about a funny man with a dry sense of humor. She talks about her father.

I remember my own stories of Grandpop in his garden, Grandpop in the chicken coop, Grandpop letting all the food on his plate run together because that’s what old people do. I see a picture in my head of Grandpop in a lawn chair by the well, beneath the biggest most beautiful shade tree ever. He sits with his legs crossed, quiet and content, watching as all us kids play.

And I understand what I couldn’t grasp at thirteen: that when dealing with death, we can’t help ourselves from focusing back on life.

the Infinite Monkey speaks: even if it hurts

Random brilliance from across the blogosphere…

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Choose love today. Choose, even if hurts you–even if it takes from you something you want.

 – Chad Jones

from:

Freedom, Responsibility, Liberty, & License

death and I met

Death and I met at the drugstore on the corner I was

going in as he was coming out and blind in his hurry

he almost hit me head on but he missed and so

I nodded hello as was my habit and then he smiled a guilty

smile that I seemed to know and aloud I wondered if maybe

we’d met somewhere before and being a gentleman he slowed down and politely

answered no but I feel so certain that I’ve seen you somewhere I

insisted and he thought maybe we’ve known some of the same

people and that must be it I said then he smiled a funny

smile and said we’ll surely meet again someday so I certainly hoped

we would and then stepped into the door as he

made his way down the crowded sidewalk.

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