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Posts tagged ‘personal’

Jul 4

15 Comments

Six Month Resolution Review

Most of my focus in June was on getting items cleared out of my house and packed up for the yard sale (July 21st!).  I didn’t put as much concentrated effort into the other resolutions, just a tweak here and there.  I was able to get some blog work done, though, so that feels good.

In reviewing where I am six months into my resolutions, I’ve come to a decision to drop three of them: one because it was accomplished, one that is not entirely necessary, and one that’s too big and vague to effectively take on right now.  I’m making big progress on the house, a little progress with my budget, and breaking even in other areas.

I’d say this first six months has been a really great learning experience for me, if sometimes frustrating.  But there is a reason why there are so many quotes about the usefulness of failure, and how learning from those failures leads you to success.  I feel as though I’ve failed more than I’ve succeeded, but I’m trying to learn about myself in the process.  And I’m trying to teach myself not to be upset about my failures, but to keep in mind that this is a long-term venture.  I am changing habits, and that doesn’t happen overnight.  I’ll be lucky if I get some of these new habits accomplished in a year.  Until then, I’ll just keep plugging along.

Here’s how I did in June.

♦

Jun 28

13 Comments

I Dream of Zombie

If you’ve read About Me (The Director’s Cut), then you know I’m afraid of sharks and zombies.  You also would be aware of the fact that I just have to know what happens.  If Pandora’s box is a tv or a computer (I heart you, Wikipedia), then call me Pandora.  I know I shouldn’t watch Zombieland.  I know I shouldn’t read the plot synopsis of every single The Walking Dead episode.  But I do did won’t stop.

The odd thing is, I mostly don’t get nightmares from scary movies.  I always expect to, but it rarely happens.  No, I get daymares (sigh).  For a week or two after I see a really good zombie movie, I expect to see them standing around in my front yard every time I go outside.  I still open the door because, you know, zombies aren’t real yet.  But my mind flashes that image in front of my eyes as I reach for the handle and it’s kinda scary.  Would you think less of me if I admitted to a little pause every now and then, before I turned the knob?  To peeking a bit before I opened the door all the way?  What if I only peeked at night?  Okay, well, I never do those things, so that was just hypothetical and all.

So here’s the thing: I’ve had four or five zombie dreams over the last few weeks.  I thought I had zombie dreams once every few months, but this… This is throwing me for a loop.  What if I have zombie dreams way, way more often than I realize?  What if I have zombie dreams all the time, like once a week?  Or every night!  This is very disturbing!  I don’t like the idea that my brain is up there doing things that I don’t know about.  It’s not right. I mean, who knows what those zombies have been doing in my brain while I sleep.

Anyway, the last zombie dream I had was a movie.  Sometimes I make movies while I dream, just not good movies.  This movie was kind of a combination of a lot of different zombie things I’ve seen or read the plot synopsis of every single episode.  The landscape was deserted city (28 Days Later), with a touch of war-torn decimation.  The protagonist was a regular kind of guy who becomes the leader because of his leader charisma, I guess (The Walking Dead). (Did I really need to parentheses that?) (You haven’t been living under a rock or anything, right?) He was the strong but deeply caring type, and he was really concerned that his wife was going to become a zombie, which (spoiler alert!) she eventually did.

I hate blood and guts, so my zombie dreams are pretty lame tame.  This movie was no exception, so the zombies were mostly just walking around and doing nothing severely threatening (Shawn of the Dead; you’d have time to throw records at these zombies).  They were slow and bumbling and brainless (haha), and they got that way from a virus (Contagion).  That’s how I explained to myself that none of them appeared bitten or anything else gruesome or horrifying or seeping.

Rick (if that was really his name) was leading his little group around trying to find a safe place where the virus was not gonna get them.  No one they came across would let these outsiders into their safe little hidy holes, and next thing you know, Lori his wife is a zombie.

I know!  So scary.

Well, he’s pining away a bit (Oh, the Humanity!), and following her around when I realize that these zombies are totally wimpy and unbloodthirsty. Hmm… That ain’t right. So all of a sudden these vampires show up. I knew they were vampires, but they were big and kind of shaggy, do I decided it was a group of vampires and werewolves (Underworld) and maybe some mixed breeds. Because that is how the zombies would go from brainless slow-walking contagious bodies, to brain-hungry, blood-thirsty evil dead. See, these vampire wolf things were going to start biting the zombies (though I don’t know what put that idea into their heads, except they’re just mean), and that would turn the zombies into ravenous beasts.

Well, I figured that would save what was left of the movie, but I can’t screen my eyes with my fingers while I’m sleeping, so I woke up. I just knew I wasn’t going to like the truckload of gross that was about to be unleashed.

So, that’s it. I feel like I owe you an ending, but I only write movies while I sleep. I’m really sorry, but you’ll have to come up with your own ending. Make it a happy one if you can, will you? Those are my favorites.

PS: I wonder why I’m not scared of vampires or werewolves?

♦

May 16

32 Comments

Is Life Supposed To Be Happy?

My friend averageinsuburbia wrote a post last week about the nature of happiness.  A co-worker had loaned her a book, with the commendation, “It’s a hoot!”  Turns out it wasn’t a hoot.  It was totally depressing.  When she mentioned this, her friend “reared back and said, ‘Who told you life was supposed to be happy?'”  Naturally, this interaction ran through her mind when she woke up one recent Sunday, feeling “so crushingly sad, about everything and nothing at all”, that she couldn’t eat:

“It takes a lot to turn me on food, so when I am not even tempted by the cake I’ve hidden in the freezer under bags of peas and corn, I know something is wrong.”

After she was feeling better (and the cake was gone), she wrote about it.  Cause that’s what we do.  At the end of her post, she asked, “Is life supposed to be happy?”  

What a fascinating question.  

Whether or not life is “supposed” to be happy is strictly a matter of opinion, depending on personality, religion, life experience.  I don’t think I believe that things are supposed to be one way or another.  I’m still mulling this over, but I’m thinking that what matters is what you will into existence for yourself.  What matters is how much you are willing to fight for happiness, and what you are willing to sacrifice for it.

Averageinsuburbia said, “I kinda thought that was what we were striving for, ‘Pursuit of happiness’, with the goal being happiness.”  Personally, I have spent most of my adult life not knowing HOW to pursue my happiness.  To begin with, I didn’t know what would make me happy.  And if I ever got a glimpse of what it might be, I sure as hell didn’t know how to go after it.  In the meantime, I mostly ran in circles.  I wasn’t always unhappy, but I’ve never felt a “Dream Life” kind of happiness – dream job, dream spouse, dream kids, dream house.  Maybe we don’t all get to have that kind of happiness.  I’ve known people like that, who can’t wait to get to work because they love it so much, and their personal life just brings them so much continual joy and…you know.  But most people I know are just like me: we have our moments of true, giddy happiness, and basically our lives are pretty okay.  Maybe it ain’t great, but it’s not too bad, either.  

For the most part, I’m not happy or unhappy.  I’m just living.

It’s only been in the last year that I have come to understand that I can be more.  That there are things I can do – and that I’m capable of doing them – that will bring a real, sustained happiness and contentment to my life.  For me, that “pursuit of happiness” is a pursuit to be fulfilled.  And though being fulfilled involves my career, creative outlets, financial security, relationships, et cetera… ultimately, that fulfillment is wholly internal.  It’s how I feel about myself.  I don’t think you can be truly happy, in the kind of rainbow happiness that arcs over the whole of your life,  if you are unhappy with who you are.  Or if you don’t like yourself.  Or you don’t believe in yourself.  If you don’t believe that you are, or are heading toward, who you could be.

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I originally just intended to write about a comment on her post.  All of the comments were wonderful and interesting, bringing up such variables as contentment vs happiness, serious vs petty problems, the concept of “supposed to”, comparing our lives with other’s, happiness as an illusion, and the healing qualities of chocolate cake.  But the most intriguing comment, to me, came from averageinsuburbia herself.  It was actually a list of questions, which really caught my attention.  I started answering on her blog, but it just got too long.  Besides, I think her questions are well worth sharing here.

Here is her comment, broken down with my responses.  Obviously, my answers are based on my own life experience, and don’t take all situations into consideration.  And like any opinion, they’re certainly open to debate.

“One thing that really bothers me about reading a depressing story is that I feel afterward that I don’t have a right to be unhappy.”
Whether you had a cushy, easy life compared to someone else’s has no bearing. Should you feel sad for them? Well, that’s compassion, so sure. But their misfortune shouldn’t stop you from finding joy in your own life.  Likewise, their hard life doesn’t negate the validity of your darker emotions.  We all have “the right” to feel however we feel.

Of course, often we don’t appreciate what we have, and being reminded of that makes us feel kind of bad for complaining about our trifling little hardships – we feel guilty.  But we’re only human, so you have to cut yourself a break.  You wouldn’t feel the way you do if you weren’t a nice and compassionate person in the first place.

“When do you accept a situation and say “I guess I can live with it” or decide you can’t live with it?”
That is an individual choice. Mostly, we avoid the choice. We don’t like that we have to make it; we don’t want to make it.  We want things to go our way without having to put in any extra effort, and we resent that we’ve been “put in the situation” of having to make hard and miserable decisions.  So we don’t really accept it, but we don’t put our foot down either.  Instead, we silently martyr ourselves – we sacrifice our happiness to the status quo.  Only nobody knows it but us.  We may think we’ve made ourselves abundantly clear, but as long as you “live with” whatever it is, then what point are you making?

I guess you know when you actually CAN’T live with it. I chose to stay married for 2 years longer than I should have. I chose to leave that marriage when I could NOT live with it any longer. In the meantime, I chose to allow myself to be unhappy.  Sure, I had plenty of reasons, but the truth is that choosing to stay was easier than choosing to leave.  Until it wasn’t.

“How far do we go to find happiness? How many people are we willing to upset to find happiness?”
How far are you willing to go?

How important is their happiness to you? Are you willing to sacrifice their happiness for yours? Are you willing to sacrifice your happiness for theirs? Is there a place to meet in the middle? Have you expressed to them what would make you happy? Have you been honest with yourself about what will make you happy?

So…

I saved one question for Friday since it got a little off topic and, per usual, I got too long winded.  In the meantime, what do you think about all this?

Is life supposed to be happy?

How do you define your own happiness?

What’s your criterion for “putting up with it” or “putting your foot down”?

How far do we go to find happiness?

How much of yourself – what you already are and already have – are you willing to sacrifice for what you could be and could have?

♦

Items of Interest:

Who Said Life Was Supposed To Be Happy?  by averageinsuburia

To Be, Or Who I Was Meant To Be: That Is The Question by Mind Margins

Happiness is A Feeling that You Have to Bless Yourself With (aisjournal.com)

Stop Comparing and Start Being Happy (thetruthwarrior.wordpress.com)

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Mar 14

26 Comments

Being Nice

One of my resolutions is to be a nicer person.  Kind of vague, I know.  I had an idea in my head when I first wrote that on my resolution list, which basically involved reverting back to an innocent, non-cynical, pre-ruined by the facts of life version of myself.  Somehow, I don’t think I’m capable of pulling that off.

I still want it, though.  I spent some time in February really trying to figure out where I want to be and how to get there, and I’ve come to a few conclusions.  I know that I want to go out of my way to be more helpful to people, even if it makes me feel uncomfortable, even though it might be hard work, even though I’d rather be at home.  But exerting effort, venturing out of my comfort zone, giving up some of my precious personal time – that’s really the easy part.  There are two things that will be harder to change: my thought life and allowing my emotions to control how I treat people.

That feels quite daunting; attempting to change the moment to moment thoughts, feelings and reactions I have to the people and events that make up my life.  How does one do that?  Where to start?

I used to be a nicer person.  Not that I’ve turned into a mean girl; I’m not purposefully hateful, rude or disrespectful.  I don’t do whatever it takes to ensure my own comfort, safety, happiness or success at the expense of other people.  I don’t generally think I am better than, more important, smarter, or more capable than the people around me. 

But my thought life is not all that I wish it to be.

Certainly I have a normal human level of selfishness and self-centeredness.  But beyond that, I am often irritable, impatient and judgmental, feelings that spill over from my thoughts and into my interactions with others.  And though it pains me to say, I am sometimes condescending in my thoughts toward other people.  These are things that I learned to be over time, and I can clearly remember when I did not think and feel that way.  (That is a whole topic for another post.)

If I can learn to be that way, can’t I learn to not be that way?

For now, I’m working on the task of being nice.  Going out of my way to help, offering help before someone has to ask me, donating my time and energy willingly.  It feels wrong to say that I have to “practice” being nice, but I think it’s pretty normal if you’re not looking forward to helping someone wash their car or alphabetize their movie collection.

What I am practicing is the willingness in my heart, which has really been an extension of Practicing Thankful.  I am focusing not on the hard work or lost personal time, or whatever it is that feels negative about the task at hand.  Instead, I am reminding myself that I get to spend time with someone I care about.  I get to be helpful.  I get to ease their burden.

So many rewards for being nice.

♦

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