Posts tagged ‘funny’

Water Aerobics (no impact my fat ass)

*WARNING*
*No Lifeguard On Duty*

It’s five pm and the gym is starting to fill up with the after-work crowd. But I don’t have to worry about getting a spot on a treadmill or bike, and I won’t have to wait my turn for any equipment, either.

Because I’m headed to the pool!

I can’t help but smile as I realize there are only three of us here for the class tonight. That’s good, plenty of room; this is going to be so great. All week long I’ve been looking forward to my first water aerobics class in years.

On the drive over, I kept imagining stepping into the warm water – just being in the water is so pleasant. And I remember all of the old exercises, like jumping jacks and lunges. I remember using the noodles and Styrofoam barbells. Water aerobics is perfect for me: a no-impact, beginner level, in-the-water, fun workout.

It’s cold!

I mean, it’s not ocean cold or even outdoor swimming pool cold, but it’s colder than I thought it would be. I thought it would be warm! But you know what? That’s okay. I’ll warm up as soon as I start moving. So…let’s start some exercising, shall we ladies? Time later for the chit-chat. It’s nice to be so warmly greeted and whatnot, but it’s cold, and… Great! Here we go!

Now this is what I’m talking about. Jogging in place, in the water, the kind of high-stepping I can actually do. Jogging toward the shallow end. Jogging toward the deep end. Why yes I can get those knees up, I certainly can. And jog in place, not a problem at all. And jumping jacks, one and two and three and four.

This is the bees knees, ya’ll! But you can stop asking me how I’m doing, instructor lady, because I’m doing fine! And one and two and three and four. Hit the bottom with my toes and  my heels! I don’t want to get injured in water aerobics.

And lunge! Right leg…left leg…

I wonder if I’m sweating? Can I sweat under water? Cause this is totally working. Yeah, my heart rate must be getting up there into fat-burning range. For sure into fat-burning range. Water aerobics isn’t for sissies, no ma’am.

Four more! Three more! Two more!

We must be half-way through by now, don’t ya think? Where’s the clo – fifteen minutes? Gone! Fifteen minutes gone, not to go. Forty-five minutes to go. But you know what? I’m good; I got this. I’m still breathing just fine.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. Swimming, swimming. Haha, I crack me up.

Hey I love this song! Wait, there’s an aerobics mix for Boys of Summer?

Water in my face! Water in my face!

No problem. Just gotta keep my mouth shut. It is a pool, after all. Yes, I’m fine, instructor lady. You can see me keeping up, can’t you? Please  stop asking me that; I’m using all my breath to breath over here.

Seriously? Am I really this short? I’m gonna drown doing water aerobics in four feet of water.

Water in my eyes!

Blink. Just keep blinking. Better yet, close my eyes. What’s she doing now? What’d she say?

Grab the Styrofoam weights. If I can’t do it with the weights, I can just move my arms in the water. Thanks, lady.

Butterfly stroke. For more resistance, keep my weights under the surface. For less resistance, keep my weights on the surface. Water in my face!

Yes, I’m fine. Yes, I’m keeping up.

How much time left?

Oh, thank Gawd!

Cool down.

Stretch.

Yes.

I’m…

fine.

.

By the way, ya’ll – I joined the gym.

♦