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Apr 7

13 Comments

Why can’t I say the right things?

This was a very stressful week, and yesterday was the worst of it.

One of our pharmacists, J, received a call on Thursday afternoon that her mother was severely ill and would probably die within the next four hours.  She lives five hours from here, and the hospital is farther away still, so you can imagine the emotional turmoil that call created.

I spent most of yesterday on the phone, trying to cover J’s shifts for Friday evening and today.   Occasionally, I would wish this hadn’t happened on a holiday weekend, at a store on the far outskirts of our district, where the Saturday shift is 12 hours instead of the typical 9.  Of course I wish it hadn’t happened at all, and I’d immediately feel guilty for being so stressed over covering a difficult shift, when my mom is healthy and enjoying her vacation right now.

I worked out the coverage eventually, but even the solution was stressful.  Two pharmacists switched to different locations, one took on additional hours, and another gave up his Saturday off.  No one wanted to do it, but they all did.  And so I feel bad about that, too.  I couldn’t have done more, but I still feel bad.

Finally I can go home, and I actually have the holiday weekend off (if I were a pharmacist, I would have worked those shifts!).  While I’m at the grocery store, J calls to say her mother has greatly improved, to everyone’s surprise and joy.

As we’re talking, I want to say the right things so badly.  I want to say that I care, that I’m sorry this happened, that I wish I could do something for her; I want to be supportive and make her feel better.  I end up saying all the wrong things.  I’m awkward and unsure, and I respond in ways that make her re-explain things she’s already said.  I’m sure she wishes she had just gotten voice mail.  I wish she had just gotten voice mail.

I wish I could blame it on the day. I was still hyped up, distracted and unhappy that everything didn’t go smoothly. I am glad there is coverage, but it bothers me so much that it’s not to everyone’s satisfaction. But that’s not the reason I wasn’t able to say what I wanted to say…or anything even remotely good or comforting. It wasn’t the day, it was just me.

Why is it so hard to say the right things?

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Apr 5

9 Comments

the Infinite Monkey speaks: on writing

Random brilliance from across the blogosphere…

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I write because we live in a world throbbing with beauty, because I want to put that beauty into words, and because I want to give some of it back.  I do not always create art, but sometimes the inspiration and desire to create is art itself.  Sometimes this is enough.  Sometimes I am enough.


– Francesca Zelnick

from:
A Small Offering

∞

Apr 3

Year of Quotes No. 14

Apr 1

8 Comments

Third Month’s The Charm

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This is what I had to say last month:

“I don’t have to think about every one of these every moment.  But they are with me nonetheless.  They travel through every day with me; they go where I go.  Things I need to do.  Things I need to do better.  Things I want to change about myself.  Things I don’t want to fail at.”

My resolutions did feel like a burden in February; not a burden I was willing to put down, but a weight to bear nonetheless.  I was unable to give equal focus to 12 different resolutions, and so I felt their individual needs for attention pressing down on me.

I think the heaviest weight was the weight of failure.  Or maybe the fear of failure, that I couldn’t do this. The fear that, since one or two things weren’t going so smoothly, then the whole thing would ultimately blow up in my face.  Because that’s what happens. continue reading…

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