Just Another Day At Work
Working in retail means I get to talk to, overhear and observe a lot of people. These are just the stories I remember.
(New items are in blue.)
What I Was Told
“They keep pushing up the prices on my cigarettes; I had to change to cigars. If they keep going up, I’m gonna have to switch back to pot. I can get a quarter pound of pot for $250. One day, I got up and I started drinking beer and liquor at 6am. I kept on until midnight. Then my son came over and we were smoking it up. I didn’t know where I was or what I was doin’. You don’t know where I can buy some pot do you? If I was in Maryland, I could get some easy.” At this point, I told him there was a customer in line behind him. “Oh, she don’t know where to get any pot, either.”
While talking to a mother and her son about young people and early jobs, I told them that I worked at King’s Dominion when I was a teenager. The 16-year-old son said (sincerely), “Wow…the only rides they had were, like, The Rebel Yell and The Grizzly. Because they only had wooden roller coasters back then.” His mom and I very quickly set him straight…but I have to admit, it was kinda funny.
“Did you hear about the man who put all his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash.”
(regarding the gossip magazines)
customer: “Some of it’s gossip, some of it’s partially true and some of it’s a thread of truth.”
—me: “Yeah, and you don’t always know which one it is.
customer: *wry grin* “You don’t know which one in real life.”
“My pharmacy pays back 2% when I use their card. The bank doesn’t even pay back 1%.”
“We’re all going to be working for the IRS soon. They’re gonna say, ‘How much did you make? Hand it over.’”
“Don’t get up! If you’re like me, once you get down, you have a hard time gettin’ back up.” (To appease your obviously burning curiosity, I will admit that, yes, I am like him.) “Sometimes I think those guys over there forget how old I am, the things they’ve got me doing. But I’m gonna keep on working ‘til the Good Lord takes me.”
About my customer’s husband being laid off, 8 months ago to the day. She works two jobs. Through a man at their church, they recently were referred to a company in his field. Unfortunately there was no position. This week, however, there was a notification of a job opening at that company for the same position her husband used to do. She said, “That’s God working on our side.”
What I Talked About
Those mini electric razors and how convenient they are. They work great on your brows, but we’re both afraid that we’re going to accidentally shear off an entire brow one day. And won’t that be inconvenient.
How we are never satisfied with our purses. We get a great big purse, which we proceed to fill. Then we can’t find what we’re looking for, because everything is all jumbled together. So we get a small purse, but then we can’t fit all the sundry items we need to keep with us at all times, “just in case”. So we get a purse with divided sections and little pockets on the outside. Of course, then we can’t remember where we put what. We end up opening every single compartment and every zipper when we need to retrieve one of our invaluable items. Finally we go back to the big bag. Eventually this cycle starts all over again.
How cool it is when family birthdays or the birth orders align. My customer’s sister had a boy, then her cousin had a boy, then her sister had a girl, then her cousin had a girl. And they were all born almost exactly a year apart from each other. Same birth dates and same birth months run on that side of their family.
Going to the doctor for the more “unpleasant” visits. But, it’s important to go – your health may depend on it.
After heart surgery, my customer’s doctor told him not to get handicap tags for his vehicle. He was told to park as far as he could from the doors and walk. We agreed that walking is a great way to exercise. We agreed on everything, actually: that we should both get more exercise, that walking is a low stress way to get that exercise, and that we should both walk more. Oh yeah… and we agreed that it probably isn’t going to happen, because we both hate to exercise.
When I took my dog out last night, it was super cold out. My customer commented that the weather can’t make up its mind. It wants to be hot a couple of days and then all of a sudden turn cold again. “I know,” I said. “It makes it really hard for me to keep track of what I’m supposed to be complaining about.”
How, if you live anywhere where there are squirrels (loosely translated, “anywhere where there are squirrels” means “everywhere”), don’t put out lawn ornaments that use rope. Because the squirrels will take your rope. Squirrels are like that. Oh, and wind chimes are awe-some!
My customer is headed to Richmond to take a flight to Florida with her sister. They are going to Disney World with the kids! What a coincidence, I’m going to Disneyland this summer with my sister! When my customer was in Engineer Training for Amtrak, her kids stayed with her sister. She drove from Delaware to Richmond to see them and the traffic is so heavy that it would take her 5 hours to make the trip. It is a bear when it’s bad – an automatic transmission and air conditioning is all that matters (but a book on audio doesn’t hurt).
Being smelly after you cut the grass. But not caring.
What I Observed
A woman, reeking of alcohol, buying candy for her grandkids that showed up unexpectedly at her house. She tells me that she hopes it will be enough candy for all of them, because they’re being so loud, and “I can’t get no sleep.”
“See, that’s what happens when you don’t behave.” “I was trying to be like a frog.” “Well, you’re not a frog.” (Mom to little boy, who happens to be sprawled out on the tile.)
A grumpy little boy. As she passed him by, a customer quoted, “Youth is wasted on the young.” (It’s a Wonderful Life) I told her that I never used to believe it…until I got old.
What I Overheard
A kid was looking at the magazines that line the registers and he suddenly burst out, “Oprah is like…83 years old!” His mom, the clerk and I cracked up laughing. His mom said, “Oprah is NOT 83 years old!” I don’t know why it was so funny; I guess it was just that he was so emphatic. But I got a great belly laugh out of that one.
“Dad!” from a little boy who just found a matchbox car on the floor. “I just found this little car over here and it’s in Real Good Shape! Can I keep it?”
An employee, regarding an appetite suppressant that you’re supposed to spray on your tongue:
“It says ‘instant satisfaction’. If it’s instant satisfaction, I should be able to just spray this stuff on my body and my butt would be smaller. That’s instant satisfaction.”
“I’m gonna go on American Idol. Will you vote for me?”
—”I would vote against you! I don’t vote on that show. If they let you vote against people – I would do that!”
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