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What to do if you think you’re in a scary movie

Go Looking For It

People always heap scorn on the dim-witted but beautiful and busty blonde who walks up the stairs when she hears something go bump in the night.  She’s cautious.  She’s got her peepers (eyes, dirt-brain) popped and her head is tilted just so (better to hear you with, my dear).  And up she goes.

Now, we all know she’s walking right into the arms of death, so we tell her to “stop, stupid!  He’s gonna git you.”  Of course she never listens.  (That’s only to be expected, seeing as how she filmed that scene months or maybe even years ago.)

Nay, scorners!  Nay, I say!  She must go looking for it, whatever It is.

And you must, too.

  1. you may be scared, but it’s physically impossible to do nothing but sit around and be scared when things are bumping and thumping and dragging across the floor upstairs
  2. you could lie curled in a ball with the covers pulled tightly around every inch of your body and be scared (that is physically possible); but unfortunately your covers are upstairs where all the racket is going on
  3. you can’t just wait it out because you’ll eventually fall into an exhausted sleep and whatever It is will come and get you anyway, which is way worse because who wants to wake up to that

No, my friends, do not scorn Blondie.  She must take her destiny into her own quivering hands, and also a bat or a gun or a fire poker or knitting needle or something like that.

Take a Weapon

If you think you’re in a scary movie, you must go looking for whatever It is that’s trying to get you.  Get Before You’re Got.  This is very important.  But I IMPLORE you, take a weapon.

I repeat, take a weapon with you.

Our beautiful busty bimbette will go empty-handed, but you must not.  She has to Get Got.  You wouldn’t buy the dvd if someone didn’t Get Got, and who better than that little blonde bimbo.

You do not have to Get Got.  Nor do you want to.  See the difference?

Please Note:  Wit, bravery, moderate intelligence and sarcasm are not proper It-fighting weapons.  Please choose something with an actual sharp point.  Sharp words will Get You Got.  A sharp knife will get you through to the sequel.

Go Second

Hopefully the last and definitely the most important thing to do if you think you’re in a scary movie is go second.  Let the blonde with no brains or weapons head on up those stairs first.  We’ve already established that she’s got to Get Got.  So let her.

It will be tempted to go for the easy mark, giving you the time you need to tread lightly up the stairs as a beweaponed number two.  While It is making mincemeat of Busty, you make short work of It.

Now this is key – Short Work.  Do not get cute with It.

  1. Do Not stop and soliloquize
  2. Do Not take even a moment to utter your catch phrase
  3. Do Not wait for It to turn around so you can “look It in the eyes”

If you do this right, it’ll be the last thing you do, but not the last thing you do.

∞ ∞ ∞ ∞

I almost forgot,

Beware the Sequel

If you believe you are in a sequel, please follow all steps as outlined above and then repeat.  And then repeat.

Keep repeating.  There will be between seven and twenty-two sequels, but don’t worry, they’re all basically the same.  Just keep doing what you’re doing.  I believe in you.

Note:  beautiful busty brunette bimbettes can be substituted in case of emergency

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9 Comments Post a comment
  1. Oh my gosh! This is great!

    August 21, 2011
    • Thank you!

      I thought it was time I posted something really educational and informative.

      August 21, 2011
  2. As a male, I will never go in and look for a woman in a haunted house. I’ll give her 1000 reasons not to go in (we can go to Sonic, watch a movie, drive to Miami…anything) but if she insists on going in, she’s got ten minutes. She’s not out in that time, I’ll call the police and let them deal with the monster/serial killer/living puppet murder machine.

    I can’t get killed, I got stuff to do this week!

    August 24, 2011
    • As a female, I wholeheartedly agree! I was primarily thinking about places where you already ARE. In those cases, I believe you pretty much have to take care of business. If it’s your house, I’m thinking that whatever it is won’t let you alone the whole time you’re trying to pack up your stuff to move. So that’s out. You could leave everything, but I doubt your renter’s insurance covers that for ya. If you wake up there, if you were brought there on purpose – dude, that’s serious. You’ve got to take that initiative or else you’re just a sitting duck.

      People who PURPOSELY enter infested buildings? Those people are crazy. I mean, really, it’s no business of yours what happens at the neighbor’s house or in the bar down the street. So, if she goes in, she’s on her own. There’s nothing for you to feel bad about. Truly. A movie sounds great to me. I don’t like Sonic, but a drive sounds nice. See how easy that was? She made her decision. Not your fault.

      Thank you so much! I appreciate your taking the time to comment, especially since I missed that entire angle. This is why discussion is so important. We’re trying to save lives here (our own) so it’s important to have as much information as possible.

      August 24, 2011
  3. Being a plumber, I’m taking a pair of channel locks so I can grab who or what ever you know where. Like in the movie Stir Crazy. Gene Wilder was “talking” the big guy down but the little guy had him “down there” with a pair of pliers. Believe me!! I can get a grip with them!!! Then wrap up with duct tape! A plumber, Channel locks and duct tape! WIN! WIN!! 🙂

    September 1, 2011
    • Hah! I think that would definitely do it. Once again, I’m reminded that duct tape is perfect for all our needs! As he’s chomping on the blonde, you can chomp on him.

      September 1, 2011
  4. rebecca p #

    where’s the “like it” button? I have nothing of interest to say other than, this one made me smile

    September 16, 2011
    • Well, I’m glad! I started to write about how much Louis freaked me out one night because he was acting like something out in the dark was scaring him. I pulled out my gun and put it next to the bed and everything. (I provide the weapons for my intruders, isn’t that nice of me?) Anyway, I meant to write about that, but this insisted on being written instead. Sometimes you control it and sometimes it controls you. Know what I mean?

      September 16, 2011

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