What to do if you think you’re in a scary movie
Go Looking For It
People always heap scorn on the dim-witted but beautiful and busty blonde who walks up the stairs when she hears something go bump in the night. She’s cautious. She’s got her peepers (eyes, dirt-brain) popped and her head is tilted just so (better to hear you with, my dear). And up she goes.
Now, we all know she’s walking right into the arms of death, so we tell her to “stop, stupid! He’s gonna git you.” Of course she never listens. (That’s only to be expected, seeing as how she filmed that scene months or maybe even years ago.)
Nay, scorners! Nay, I say! She must go looking for it, whatever It is.
And you must, too.
- you may be scared, but it’s physically impossible to do nothing but sit around and be scared when things are bumping and thumping and dragging across the floor upstairs
- you could lie curled in a ball with the covers pulled tightly around every inch of your body and be scared (that is physically possible); but unfortunately your covers are upstairs where all the racket is going on
- you can’t just wait it out because you’ll eventually fall into an exhausted sleep and whatever It is will come and get you anyway, which is way worse because who wants to wake up to that
No, my friends, do not scorn Blondie. She must take her destiny into her own quivering hands, and also a bat or a gun or a fire poker or knitting needle or something like that.
Take a Weapon
If you think you’re in a scary movie, you must go looking for whatever It is that’s trying to get you. Get Before You’re Got. This is very important. But I IMPLORE you, take a weapon.
I repeat, take a weapon with you.
Our beautiful busty bimbette will go empty-handed, but you must not. She has to Get Got. You wouldn’t buy the dvd if someone didn’t Get Got, and who better than that little blonde bimbo.
You do not have to Get Got. Nor do you want to. See the difference?
Please Note: Wit, bravery, moderate intelligence and sarcasm are not proper It-fighting weapons. Please choose something with an actual sharp point. Sharp words will Get You Got. A sharp knife will get you through to the sequel.
Hopefully the last and definitely the most important thing to do if you think you’re in a scary movie is go second. Let the blonde with no brains or weapons head on up those stairs first. We’ve already established that she’s got to Get Got. So let her.
It will be tempted to go for the easy mark, giving you the time you need to tread lightly up the stairs as a beweaponed number two. While It is making mincemeat of Busty, you make short work of It.
Now this is key – Short Work. Do not get cute with It.
- Do Not stop and soliloquize
- Do Not take even a moment to utter your catch phrase
- Do Not wait for It to turn around so you can “look It in the eyes”
If you do this right, it’ll be the last thing you do, but not the last thing you do.
∞ ∞ ∞ ∞
I almost forgot,
Beware the Sequel
If you believe you are in a sequel, please follow all steps as outlined above and then repeat. And then repeat.
Keep repeating. There will be between seven and twenty-two sequels, but don’t worry, they’re all basically the same. Just keep doing what you’re doing. I believe in you.
Note: beautiful busty brunette bimbettes can be substituted in case of emergency
- Scary Movie Rules To Live By (costumehub.wordpress.com)